Government Signs for YOUR Protection

The Department of Homeland Security has provided the website to help you be prepared in case of a terrorist attack. As a public service, this site is providing explanations of the more important concepts covered in the graphics.

Remember: In the event of a terrorist attack, duck under your desk to stop things from falling on you. In the event the desk falls on you, see step 2.

In the event that debris has fallen on you, consider how stupid you were for not getting under your desk. Conversely, if it is your desk that has fallen on you, consider how stupid you were for getting under there in the first place.

Do not attempt to have sex with the debris. It accomplishes nothing.

Always follow the proper procedure for rolling around on the floor crying, “Why me, Lord?”

When running for your life, do not open an exit door with your hand. There might be a terrorist on the other side. Jump out the window instead.

Do not open doors to rooms that are on fire. The terrorists who set the fire might be in there, and you would only let them escape.

In the aftermath of an attack, it is important to make sure that no terrorists have stolen any of your vital organs. If you suspect a terrorist may have stolen any part of your body, contact your local authorities immediately.

Set all of your clocks to different times to confuse the terrorists. This could thwart a timed attack.

Always wash your hands thoroughly before using the telephone.

Remember, your friendly governmental authorities are always watching you for your safety.

To make sure no terrorists can follow you after you escape, always run along the top of a white picket fence.

Remember, you should never give the time of day to any radioactive terrorist.

Avoid this state if at all possible. It’s got those wacky militia guys and nutty doomsday cultists.

Be warned that these objects may be harmful if swallowed in large quantities.

This is just uncalled for.

In the event the phones are down, whistles may be used to communicate over long distances to bald white men.

Whatever you do, do not stare directly at Dick Cheney.

Always keep a banana in your car.

In the event of a gas attack, find your local Invisible Man immediately.

When escaping, it is important to remember when selecting modes of transportation that the top speed of your car is greater than that of your house.

If you can, hide in a small building made of LEGOs®. They are impervious to attack.

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