101 Facts about Shane D. Killian

  1. He’s a whiz at math—he knows infinity backwards and forwards
  2. He already has his computer Y3K-compliant
  3. He has never violated the law of gravity
  4. He is an astronomy buff and can easily identify the moon, the sun, and lots of sparkly things which are usually stars but sometimes turn out to be planets
  5. He is prepared for disaster with his camouflage armor (although he can’t find it right now)
  6. He thinks we have the best government that money can buy
  7. He is an experienced space traveller, clocking 12 billion miles around the sun so far in his lifetime, more than all of the Apollo missions combined!
  8. He has never had amnesia, that he recalls
  9. He almost dated a time-traveller, but she left him before they met
  10. He hopes that the TSA never realizes that sodium is an explosive alkali and our bodies all have .15% of our weight in it; then no one could fly!
  11. He can’t daydream because his mind keeps wandering
  12. He is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body
  13. He can raed etnire sncnetces eevn wtih ervy wrod mlielspsed as lnog as the fsrit and lsat lterets are in the cercort piotsoin
  14. Every week, without fail, he makes time for Thursday
  15. He believes that 92.8376% of all statistics are made up
  16. He has a photographic memory, but it hasn’t developed yet
  17. He can count to 1023 on his fingers
  18. He wonders why irons have a setting for permanent press
  19. He believes that “embiggen” is a perfectly cromulent word
  20. He wonders why it’s cargo when sent by ship but a shipment when sent by car
  21. Only one side of his body smells good; it’s not his fault—he can’t find a store that sells Left Guard
  22. He has never had knee surgery on any other part of his body
  23. He intends to live forever or die trying
  24. He thinks that dividing the circumference of a circle by its diameter is as easy as pi
  25. He believes that a fish without an eye should be spelled “fsh”
  26. He wears unscented cologne
  27. He always makes plans to be spontaneous
  28. He wonders if you need a silencer to shoot a mime
  29. He wonders, back when the sun never set on the British Empire, how hot it got there
  30. He can prove that the following sentence is true. He can also prove that the preceding sentence is false
  31. He wonders how Hawaii can have interstate highways
  32. He believes in the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain
  33. He likes to sell things to telemarketers
  34. His socks always match, because he goes by thickness
  35. He believes that “pi r squared” best describes a circle but that “pie are round” tastes better
  36. He wonders, if Barbie is so popular, why you have to buy her friends
  37. He wonders why the word “pants” is plural
  38. He has sacrificed personally to help Lincoln County save water during drought years by using instant water
  39. He wonders why the Pet Psychic always asks for the pet’s name
  40. He didn’t invent the Internet, but he did invent the Undernet (in fact, he’s wearing one now)
  41. He believes that astrology is as rational as the square root of 2
  42. He always borrows money from pessimists because they never expect to be paid back
  43. He only eats Girl Scout Cookies if they’re made with imitation Girl Scouts
  44. He wonders why the word “phonetically” isn’t spelled that way
  45. He believes that Intelligent Design Theory is as real as the square root of -1
  46. His motto is: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  47. He believes there are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
  48. He has evidence the military has tapped his computer: messages that General Failure is reading his hard disk
  49. He may have lost his marbles, but he still has his collection of donut holes
  50. He thinks a black hole happens when God divides by zero
  51. His motto is: If you can’t fix the brakes, make the horn louder
  52. He wonders why so many hit singles are about couples
  53. As a programmer, he never leaves random number generation to chance
  54. He knows you can observe a lot just by watching
  55. He wonders what demented collector has all of the heads and arms from all those museum statues
  56. He believes that smoking will help you lose weight…eventually
  57. He once went to a fancy French restaurant called Déjà Vu, and had the strange feeling he’d been there before
  58. His motto is: If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate
  59. He wonders what happened to Preparations A through G
  60. He has vowed to protect Lake Norman against relocation
  61. He wonders how young you can be and still die of old age
  62. He invented a Portable Hole, but lost it down itself
  63. His motto is: Stealing one idea is plagiarism; stealing many ideas is research
  64. He wonders if donuts are put on dobolts
  65. He thinks that people who use big words are just gasconading their perspicacity for the sake of verisimilitude.
  66. He wonders how thick an arch can be before it becomes a tunnel
  67. He has continued (unsuccessfully) to attempt to prove that a woman can apply mascara with her mouth closed
  68. His motto is: If at first you don’t succeed, never try skydiving
  69. He believes a 10-gallon hat doesn’t hold anywhere near that much
  70. He continues to seek funding for his experiment to see what happens when you accelerate a car to the speed of light and then turn on the headlights
  71. He wonders why pure bottled water has an expiration date
  72. He never believes anyone who says they’re a pathological liar
  73. He still doesn’t know why lemonade is made with artificial flavors but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons
  74. He once deliberately tried to fail at something, but still doesn’t know if he succeeded or not
  75. His motto is: Early to bed and early to rise, really annoys those of us who are still trying to sleep
  76. He doesn’t believe in flagellating a deceased equine, because that’s just beating a dead horse
  77. He wonders how deeper the oceans would be were it not for all the sponges
  78. He has a plan to solve Global Warming by making everyone turn their window air-conditioners the other way around
  79. He wonders how thick a piece of string can be before it becomes a rope
  80. He wonders, when a man speaks in a forest but there’s no woman around to hear him, if he is still wrong
  81. He wonders, when a soccer game is played but there’s no one around to watch it, if it is still boring
  82. He still can’t figure out, if it’s currently 0 degrees, what temperature it will be when it’s twice as cold
  83. He continues to seek funding for his experiment to see, given that a cat will always land on its legs and toast will always land jelly-side down, what would happen if you affixed toast jelly-side up to a cat’s back and dropped it
  84. He wonders if “tired old cliché” is itself a tired old cliché
  85. He believes you should only put a skylight in your condominium with the permission of the people who live above you
  86. He has a plan to generate clean energy by hooking up generators to all of the exercise bikes in the country
  87. He believes that if 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of your home, then you should definitely move
  88. He wonders if you can melt dry ice and take a bath without getting wet
  89. He still can’t tell when he’s out of invisible ink
  90. He wonders if Shakespeare could have written “monkey” an infinite amount of times
  91. He thinks that race cars wouldn’t have to go so fast if they started the race earlier
  92. He hates it when his leg falls asleep during the day, because then it’ll be up half the night
  93. He wonders if existentialists are confused by those “You are here” signs
  94. He’s tired of being indefatigable
  95. He wonders if chalk miners get White Lung Disease
  96. He’s fighting for gender equality by petitioning to make the icons for men’s and women’s restrooms look the same
  97. He once met a man with one leg named Tom; he can’t remember what the name of his other leg was
  98. He wonders if cleanliness, to an atheist, is next to nonexistence
  99. He still can’t figure out how they get teflon to stick to the pan
  100. He wonders if Noah had to take two planaria on the ark, or if he could have just taken one and cut it in half
  101. He still wants to know why fish has gone bad if it smells like fish

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